Jokes to relax while you mug for EOYs

Asking Mommy
Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"The mother, annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds.""Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

Going To The Toilet
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:"You are courting a well-mannered young girl from a prominent family. During a dinner , you needed to go to the toilet, what will you say to her?"Mike replies: "Wait a second, I'm going for a piss."The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

Buying a Horse
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?""Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!""Why?" his father asked."Because the FedEx man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!" (I like this best....... The FedEx man ahem with Lil' Johnny's mum.....)

Plane Conversation
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"