Saturday, September 13, 2008
Yet another joke
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?""Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy."Like what?" asked the bartender."Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50."I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye."Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender."That's how I win so much money, bartender.I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.The bartender was ecstatic. Laughiing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Jokes to relax while you mug for EOYs
Asking Mommy
Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"The mother, annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds.""Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
Going To The Toilet
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:"You are courting a well-mannered young girl from a prominent family. During a dinner , you needed to go to the toilet, what will you say to her?"Mike replies: "Wait a second, I'm going for a piss."The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Buying a Horse
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?""Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!""Why?" his father asked."Because the FedEx man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!" (I like this best....... The FedEx man ahem with Lil' Johnny's mum.....)
Plane Conversation
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"The mother, annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds.""Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
Going To The Toilet
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:"You are courting a well-mannered young girl from a prominent family. During a dinner , you needed to go to the toilet, what will you say to her?"Mike replies: "Wait a second, I'm going for a piss."The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Buying a Horse
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?""Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!""Why?" his father asked."Because the FedEx man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!" (I like this best....... The FedEx man ahem with Lil' Johnny's mum.....)
Plane Conversation
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Friday, August 29, 2008
A post before the Sept holidays
I dun know what to write.
Ok, all that's in my mind is hoping my injury get well ASAP, and table tennis! Theres being lots of classmates and friends playing it nowadays. Got addicted........... but it's the only sport 'on land' that I can play for the time being -- less impact on the leg.
Looking forward to DMP too. 4 PE DMP modules! Shiok! Will use the time to mug..... EOY is important.
Ok, all that's in my mind is hoping my injury get well ASAP, and table tennis! Theres being lots of classmates and friends playing it nowadays. Got addicted........... but it's the only sport 'on land' that I can play for the time being -- less impact on the leg.
Looking forward to DMP too. 4 PE DMP modules! Shiok! Will use the time to mug..... EOY is important.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Felt happy and sad
Happy that today morning had the first 12k long run in months! And guess what? I made a PERSONAL BEST of 53:59 (actually I have been doing long steady runs, but not during trainings)! 2nd best was 54:55 set during the last long run months ago. So happy. I'm gonna sustain it forever........ lol.
Sad because firstly, I have been injury prone this few weeks. Fell down on the same injury, and worst, the leg bone that protrudes out hurts. So will be resting (no running) until Wednesday at MacRitchie. Will go swim or cycle instead.
Monday have Sci competition, but Joel dismantled the house cos it was too lousy and after training today, went to school and the lab tech wasnt working, and security guard didnt have the key to the Physics project 'dark' room. Damn. So how are we gonna complete on Monday? Screwed. AND WHAT'S A BLAZER? Teacher say need it on Monday. Another stupid thing. Later blaze you, then catch fire.
Lastly want to say that I am taking part in NIE relay. So good luck! It's on 22nd Aug.
Ouch! The leg hurts. Need to rest, dun want to have injuries. Maria Sharapova withdrew from Olympics cos of shoulder injury from tennis. It's actually stress fracture. That's bad. And Roger Federer most likely unable to be 1st in the world anymore...................... Sigh, he's a fan of me. I'm a tennis maniac too! PS: See if you can spot a mistake in this paragraph.
Oh yes, will not be going for MacRitchie time-trial, Touch Run nor Inspiration Run tomorrow. Promised my leg to let them rest (in exchange for no injuries ><). By the way, it's stupid for organizers to cram 3 runs in a single day right? Just like June 8th when there was Saucony Run, Saab Duathlon and MacRitchie X-Country marathon.
Bye! Wasted time blogging again. ><
Sad because firstly, I have been injury prone this few weeks. Fell down on the same injury, and worst, the leg bone that protrudes out hurts. So will be resting (no running) until Wednesday at MacRitchie. Will go swim or cycle instead.
Monday have Sci competition, but Joel dismantled the house cos it was too lousy and after training today, went to school and the lab tech wasnt working, and security guard didnt have the key to the Physics project 'dark' room. Damn. So how are we gonna complete on Monday? Screwed. AND WHAT'S A BLAZER? Teacher say need it on Monday. Another stupid thing. Later blaze you, then catch fire.
Lastly want to say that I am taking part in NIE relay. So good luck! It's on 22nd Aug.
Ouch! The leg hurts. Need to rest, dun want to have injuries. Maria Sharapova withdrew from Olympics cos of shoulder injury from tennis. It's actually stress fracture. That's bad. And Roger Federer most likely unable to be 1st in the world anymore...................... Sigh, he's a fan of me. I'm a tennis maniac too! PS: See if you can spot a mistake in this paragraph.
Oh yes, will not be going for MacRitchie time-trial, Touch Run nor Inspiration Run tomorrow. Promised my leg to let them rest (in exchange for no injuries ><). By the way, it's stupid for organizers to cram 3 runs in a single day right? Just like June 8th when there was Saucony Run, Saab Duathlon and MacRitchie X-Country marathon.
Bye! Wasted time blogging again. ><
Friday, August 1, 2008
Term 3 till now
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND, HAVENT POSTED IN A MONTH, partly cos didnt go online for 3 weeks le:
Term 3 has been rather hectic. It's all about Racial Harmony Day rehearsals, personal and team trainings and some runs, such as the Osim Triathlon, which I screwed up because Ihave have a lousy bike. Will want my parents to get me one during December holidays. Punggol Central Run (quite ok, was raining, one of the first few, didnt time, but around 21min) and Mizuno Wave Run (44:18 for 10.3k, actually it's a PB! But I'm in adult category and lots of men zoomed past me, so dampened my spirits, hope next year got Junior category) were ok.
Did not sign up for this Sunday's Inspiration Run cos registration closed before I knew it. Nobody in the team' s going too, I suppose? Anyway, the details of this run did not co-relate with that on the event website: Newspaper say 8k run, but website says 4k run. Website says registration closed already, but the way it is wrtten on the newspaper suggests still can register. Lol. 4k not my cup of tea (parody from what ZML's dad told Ben during his 800m run at Gombak), so never mind.
Signed up StanChart marathon yesterday (Last year 10k 46:01, hope to run 42min this year, no prize though, fastest is approx 33min, pro!). Pssssst...... Didnt tell slim. Waited for him to see if he will sign us up but to no avail. So signed up before no more 30% discoiunt! Again, violated the same rule by signing up for RunNUS on my own. But I'm not alone. Some of us also signed up for runs secretly (*Ahem!). Also going for New Balance Real Run this year. Want to get top 20 (medal). Last year 35th, 49:44 for 10k.
Ok, just wanted to add that I was screwed by P. Lim today cos my phone beeped and then didnt admit. Long story aside, need to write lines and phantom chair 1 hour again. But she minused away the infinity points I had already. So good.
Chem CCT was ok, Eng screwed up (dun let P. Lim hear this phrase or die, Wang Peng chased out of class today saying this). Time to mug Bio.
Oh yes, forgot to screw Science Club BMW competition too..... NO SCHOOL NEXT MONDAY AFTER RECESS (SCI COMPETITION)! WHICH MEANS NO TRAINING.... WHICH MEANS....... SIAN.......HEY I'M A LOYAL X-C MEMBER OK?
Till then, may not post for the next month! ><
Term 3 has been rather hectic. It's all about Racial Harmony Day rehearsals, personal and team trainings and some runs, such as the Osim Triathlon, which I screwed up because Ihave have a lousy bike. Will want my parents to get me one during December holidays. Punggol Central Run (quite ok, was raining, one of the first few, didnt time, but around 21min) and Mizuno Wave Run (44:18 for 10.3k, actually it's a PB! But I'm in adult category and lots of men zoomed past me, so dampened my spirits, hope next year got Junior category) were ok.
Did not sign up for this Sunday's Inspiration Run cos registration closed before I knew it. Nobody in the team' s going too, I suppose? Anyway, the details of this run did not co-relate with that on the event website: Newspaper say 8k run, but website says 4k run. Website says registration closed already, but the way it is wrtten on the newspaper suggests still can register. Lol. 4k not my cup of tea (parody from what ZML's dad told Ben during his 800m run at Gombak), so never mind.
Signed up StanChart marathon yesterday (Last year 10k 46:01, hope to run 42min this year, no prize though, fastest is approx 33min, pro!). Pssssst...... Didnt tell slim. Waited for him to see if he will sign us up but to no avail. So signed up before no more 30% discoiunt! Again, violated the same rule by signing up for RunNUS on my own. But I'm not alone. Some of us also signed up for runs secretly (*Ahem!). Also going for New Balance Real Run this year. Want to get top 20 (medal). Last year 35th, 49:44 for 10k.
Ok, just wanted to add that I was screwed by P. Lim today cos my phone beeped and then didnt admit. Long story aside, need to write lines and phantom chair 1 hour again. But she minused away the infinity points I had already. So good.
Chem CCT was ok, Eng screwed up (dun let P. Lim hear this phrase or die, Wang Peng chased out of class today saying this). Time to mug Bio.
Oh yes, forgot to screw Science Club BMW competition too..... NO SCHOOL NEXT MONDAY AFTER RECESS (SCI COMPETITION)! WHICH MEANS NO TRAINING.... WHICH MEANS....... SIAN.......HEY I'M A LOYAL X-C MEMBER OK?
Till then, may not post for the next month! ><
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